Mouthful of Platinum

Nothing says "I deserve to earn less" quite like having a vagina.

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:20:00 CST

I got a bill in my mouth like I'm Hillary Rodham.

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:20:01 CST

No one can escape the power of agape love, my son.

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:20:02 CST

At least she left the waterbed.

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 04:20:03 CST

So yeah, draw the logical conclusion.

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 04:20:00 CST

Your backwards, upside-down visor told me everything I needed to know even before you opened your mouth.

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 04:20:00 CST

Beauty is but a light switch away.

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 04:20:00 CST

Have we or have we not stumbled upon an earthly paradise?

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 04:20:00 CST

Even unique snowflakes melt eventually.

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:20:00 CST

I hate to burst the perpetual "ME!" thought bubble over your head, but ...

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 04:20:00 CST

I hate to burst the perpetual 'ME!' thought bubble over your head, but ..." >

Long story short: The rhythm finally got me tonight.

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 04:20:00 CST

I will always have a special place in my heart for loathing wind chimes.

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:20:00 CST

Don't pledge allegiance to Satan with your mouth full, honey.

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:20:00 CST

Sure, I'll drink the Kool-Aid ... as long as it tastes like Courvoisier.

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:20:00 CST

Now everybody will know that I'm "The Fun One."

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 04:20:00 CST

Even though it has been difficult, I have finally learned to accept the things about myself that I'm too lazy to change.

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:20:00 CST

Jesus he knows me, and he knows I'm right.

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:20:00 CST

I'm going to make a terrible person one day.

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 04:20:00 CST

The best part about taking personal responsibility is being able to blame someone else.

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:20:00 CST

wind chimes : ears :: shards of glass : mouth

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:20:00 CST

Escape is a luxury that I've paid for in full.

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 04:20:00 CST

You took the words right out of my vagina!

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:20:00 CST

There is no corkage fee for cough syrup, honey.

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 04:20:00 CST

Hope is the thing loaded with bullets, right?

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:20:00 CST

Romance is an acquired taste.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 04:20:00 CST

Insanity is in the mind of the beholder.

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 04:20:00 CST

Moral victories don't appear in the win column.

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 04:20:00 CST

My escape route goes by your house. Twice.

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:20:00 CST

Every time Tonya Harding trims her bangs, a meth lab explodes.

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 04:20:00 CST

"Just Add Alcohol" is implicit in my appearance.

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 04:20:00 CST

Honesty is the best policy if you don't want to get laid. Honesty is the best policy if you want to remain celibate.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 04:20:00 CST

It looks like I've accidentally dressed for the job I have.

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 04:20:00 CST

Cleanliness is next to godliness on the list of things that I failed to accomplish today.

Mon, 07 May 2012 04:20:00 CST

You say it's love, but I say you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Mon, 14 May 2012 04:20:00 CST

I could watch you watch your reflection in my sunglasses ALL DAY LONG.

Mon, 21 May 2012 04:20:00 CST

You speak of immortality as though it's somehow desirable.

Mon, 28 May 2012 04:20:00 CST

Melts in your heart, not in your hand.

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 04:20:00 CST

Life is like a box of chocolates that's been left in the sun all day long.

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 04:20:00 CST

I'm asking on behalf of my existential crisis.

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 04:20:00 CST

A cautionary tale about the consequences of shopping while horny.

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 04:20:00 CST

I'll never forget the day Dad took a sledgehammer to the water main.

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 04:20:00 CST

I'm not losing my mind, I'm gaining insanity.

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 04:20:00 CST

You're never drinking alone. Jesus is always with you.

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 04:20:00 CST

Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't ninja, mime.

Tue, 7 Aug 2012 04:20:00 CST

WARNING: Never make direct eye contact while eating corn on the cob.

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 04:20:00 CST

I can't help but suspect that the selection of magazines in a waiting room is some sort of a test.

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 04:20:00 CST

And this is how I discovered that I think off-key.

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 04:20:00 CST

Family is the glue that holds my insanity together.

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 04:20:00 CST

If you say "foodgasm" in my presence, they will never find your body. Ever.

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 04:20:00 CST

What's the average shelf life of an existential nihilist?

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 04:20:00 CST

I squeeze toothpaste from the top of the tube. I'm a rebel. I don't give a fuck.

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:20:00 CST

Get out of my altered state of consciousness and into my straitjacket.

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 04:20:00 CST

I can’t help but feel as though my life is just one long product placement for Big Pharma.

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 04:20:00 CST

Age ain't nothing but a number of reasons I need another drink.

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

In some cultures, reading your dog its horoscope is considered foreplay.

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

If these bathroom walls could talk, they wouldn't. They'd scream.

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

The impromptu body cavity searches will continue until morale improves.

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

When do I stop calling it bed head and start accepting it as my regular hairstyle?

Tue, 05 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

Never gonna fall for modern love.

Tue, 12 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

No guts, no glory hole.

Tue, 26 Jan 2013 04:20:00 CST

If you lived here, you'd be filled with residual Catholic guilt by now.

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 04:20:00 CST

Motion to rename winter "Help! I'm trapped in a dystopian snow globe with Soul Asylum!"

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 04:20:00 CST

Playing Rush at deafening levels is my sock on the doorknob.

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 04:20:00 CST

I'm at home. Or in prison. Or in Hell. The lines are so blurred I can't tell the difference anymore.

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 04:20:00 CST

We'll leave the black light on for you.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 04:20:00 CST

If it requires making direct eye contact, there's a 100% chance I've never done it.

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 04:20:00 CST

Have I reached the bottom of my downward spiral yet?

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 04:20:00 CST

Shhh. You had me at "hypersexualized arts and crafts."

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 04:20:00 CST

I am the Ron Jeremy of spilling high viscosity condiments on myself.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 04:20:00 CST

Tell me again why there aren't any death metal songs about Mother's Day brunch.

Tue, 07 May 2013 04:20:00 CST

It's always Dump the Body in the Reservoir Hour somewhere.

Tue, 14 May 2013 04:20:00 CST

PBR sure dodged a bullet when blue ribbons weren't chosen to represent cirrhosis awareness.

Tue, 21 May 2013 04:20:00 CST

It's a beautiful day to fly a drone, America.

Tue, 28 May 2013 04:20:00 CST

Million-dollar idea: A mobile sex lair disguised as an ambulance.

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 04:20:00 CST

Malt liquor is the worst decision I'm all too willing to make.

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 04:20:00 CST