May 2013
It's always Dump the Body in the Reservoir Hour somewhere.
Tell me again why there aren't any death metal songs about Mother's Day brunch.
April 2013
I am the Ron Jeremy of spilling high viscosity condiments on myself.
Shhh. You had me at "hypersexualized arts and crafts."
Have I reached the bottom of my downward spiral yet?
If it requires making direct eye contact, there's a 100% chance I've never done it.
We'll leave the black light on for you.
March 2013
I'm at home. Or in prison. Or in Hell. The lines are so blurred I can't tell the difference anymore.
Playing Rush at deafening levels is my sock on the doorknob.
Motion to rename winter "Help! I'm trapped in a dystopian snow globe with Soul Asylum!"
If you lived here, you'd be filled with residual Catholic guilt by now.
February 2013
Never gonna fall for modern love.
When do I stop calling it bed head and start accepting it as my regular hairstyle?
January 2013
The impromptu body cavity searches will continue until morale improves.
If these bathroom walls could talk, they wouldn't. They'd scream.
In some cultures, reading your dog its horoscope is considered foreplay.
Age ain't nothing but a number of reasons I need another drink.
December 2012
I can’t help but feel as though my life is just one long product placement for Big Pharma.
Get out of my altered state of consciousness and into my straitjacket.
I squeeze toothpaste from the top of the tube. I'm a rebel. I don't give a fuck.
November 2012
What's the average shelf life of an existential nihilist?
If you say "foodgasm" in my presence, they will never find your body. Ever.
Family is the glue that holds my insanity together.
And this is how I discovered that I think off-key.
August 2012
I can't help but suspect that the selection of magazines in a waiting room is some sort of a test.
WARNING: Never make direct eye contact while eating corn on the cob.
Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't ninja, mime.
July 2012
You're never drinking alone. Jesus is always with you.
I'm not losing my mind, I'm gaining insanity.
I'll never forget the day Dad took a sledgehammer to the water main.
A cautionary tale about the consequences of shopping while horny.
I'm asking on behalf of my existential crisis.
June 2012
Life is like a box of chocolates that's been left in the sun all day long.
Melts in your heart, not in your hand.
May 2012
You speak of immortality as though it's somehow desirable.
I could watch you watch your reflection in my sunglasses ALL DAY LONG.
You say it's love, but I say you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
Cleanliness is next to godliness on the list of things that I failed to accomplish today.
April 2012
It looks like I've accidentally dressed for the job I have.
"Just Add Alcohol" is implicit in my appearance.
Every time Tonya Harding trims her bangs, a meth lab explodes.
March 2012
My escape route goes by your house. Twice.
Moral victories don't appear in the win column.
February 2012
Insanity is in the mind of the beholder.
Hope is the thing loaded with bullets, right?
January 2012
There is no corkage fee for cough syrup, honey.
You took the words right out of my vagina!
Escape is a luxury that I've paid for in full.
wind chimes : ears :: shards of glass : mouth
December 2011
The best part about taking personal responsibility is being able to blame someone else.
I'm going to make a terrible person one day.
Jesus he knows me, and he knows I'm right.
November 2011
Now everybody will know that I'm "The Fun One."
Sure, I'll drink the Kool-Aid ... as long as it tastes like Courvoisier.
Don't pledge allegiance to Satan with your mouth full, honey.
October 2011
I will always have a special place in my heart for loathing wind chimes.
Long story short: The rhythm finally got me tonight.
I hate to burst the perpetual "ME!" thought bubble over your head, but ...
Even unique snowflakes melt eventually.
Have we or have we not stumbled upon an earthly paradise?
September 2011
Beauty is but a light switch away.
So yeah, draw the logical conclusion.
At least she left the waterbed.
No one can escape the power of agape love, my son.
I got a bill in my mouth like I'm Hillary Rodham.
Nothing says "I deserve to earn less" quite like having a vagina.